8:00

I’ve hesitated sharing this old journal entry, due to all of the “room,” for someone to bash me, put me down, and tell me what they think of me. But really, I share this, because when I shared it with a few of my closest friends, they responded with feedback of “I’m so thankful I’m not alone.”
That was the moment that I realized there may be others that would love to hear that they’re not alone. Life can be hard, no matter what society classifies you as having. But no matter how “good,” you have it, life can be hard. It’s important to acknowledge those times, and take the actions to overcome it.

My therapist recommended that I journal to help push through tough times. Journaling has really taken those moments in life, and helped me put them in to perspective. If you find yourself struggling with something, try writing it out, and seeing if that could be an action that you can put in to place to help overcome those battles.

Below you’ll find an excerpt from my personal journal. Please ignore typo’s, run-ons, and poor grammar. It was from my heart, and I felt that if edited, it may take the true emotion away.

An excerpt from my personal journal… 

“The morning began incredibly early. Awakened with a horrible nightmare at 4 am, and then a storm rolling through town, quickly waking up both of my children only 30 minutes later. We were awake. For the day.

It had been a really rough week. It had been an AMAZING week. Unbelievable things were happening, and dreams were finally coming true, yet on the other end of the spectrum, things were tough. Really tough.

Like a game of tug-of-war, I couldn’t take it anymore. I kept looking at the time, waiting for it to read 8:00. 8:00 because I knew that’s when my babysitter was due to arrive. 8:00 because I knew at that moment, I would be able to go in to my room and shed the tears I had been waiting to shed all week, without my children seeing.

You see, I love my children. I would die for them. I know you understand. And if you don’t have children, or even have children “yet,” odds are you’ve felt a love so strong for someone/something, so you can relate to how strong my feelings are for my babies. Those little people that are the cause of why I get out of bed some mornings. Those little people that depend on me every day, to feed them, to make sure they’re healthy and safe.

But you see, those little people are learning the ropes of life. They’re experimenting with what they can and can’t get away with. They’re pushing buttons I never knew I had… that didn’t want to be pushed.

It had been a week of incredible button-pushing, and when multiplying that by the incredibly tough week at hand already, I reached my limit.
At 8:00, I heard the door open. Without even greeting her, I headed towards my bedroom, barely even making it to the doorway before the tears began to roll. I crouched down on the floor beside my bed, and prayed to God that he would help me realize that my life isn’t bad. As a matter of fact, I have so much to be thankful for, that I almost felt selfish for even taking time to cry over something so “silly.”

I stood up, and decided to take a shower. I closed my eyes, and let the warm water hit my face… as it washed even more tears away.

Nothing but the negative thoughts consumed my brain, as my mind tried to redirect it to the positive. But like a boomerang, my thoughts kept returning to the “unwanted.” Replaying the tough moments the week unfolded, replaying the things my kids had said or did, and even replaying old, horrible memories from that past that I thought had been buried.

Those hurtful things people have said to me in the past like:

Your kids probably don’t even know who you are anymore, because you have someone watch them full-time.

and

It must be nice to have all of those fancy things. The nice house, the house cleaner, the fancy car. Aren’t you just spoiled rotten.

Again, I found myself feeling guilty for feeling so sorry for myself, for having such an awful week. When there are people out in this world that struggle on a daily basis just to find food to eat. Just to find shelter for the night. JUST to survive.

How could I be so selfish?

I finished my shower, and sat down on the bed to gather and reflect my thoughts.

Saying to myself over and over,

Why can’t I have a bad week? So I can’t have a bad week just because I have a babysitter 4 days a week, a nice car, nice home, healthy children, a husband that works incredibly hard?

Am I not allowed to have a tough week where I feel like there’s no possible way it can get any better, any time soon?

I’m extremely tired of telling myself that I should feel guilty because I’m not appreciating everything around me. Sure, thinking about all of the blessings in my life during these hard times SHOULD make me feel better. But it seemed as if that only made me feel even more guilty, even worse.

I stood up from my bed, went to my closet and grabbed something to wear. I began to tell the voice in my head to shut up, and be still. I will no longer feel guilty for having a bad day, a bad week. Because we were never guaranteed an easy life. We were never promised to have it all. So there will be tough days. There will be tough weeks. Tough years.

So during those times, I have decided to embrace the “toughness,” no matter how blessed, and know that this too shall pass.I never knew how guilty I felt for having a bad week.

If it weren’t for the “tough times,” we may never appreciate the good times. We are allowed to have bad days. But during those tough times, it’s important to dig in, and focus on how to overcome it, and push through.”