What to do When Your Husband Doesn't Come Home
Marriage, Real Life

What to do When Your Husband Doesn’t Come Home

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What to do when your husband doesn’t come home: Ways to wrap your mind around what’s going on, and the action steps that can help during a tough situation!

What to do When Your Husband Doesn't Come Home

What to do When Your Husband Doesn’t Come Home

After writing my post 5 Simple Ways to Make Your Husband Want to Come Home, I’ve found so many readers stumbling upon it, looking for ways to encourage their husbands to come back home when they’ve left… after an argument.

Now, since that post is really geared towards ways to show your husband “love,” to make them excited to come back home at the end of the day, I’ve wanted to create this post for those looking for help that may be going through a tough situation with their husband at this very moment.

DISCLAIMER: Although I’m no expert, and not a therapist or marriage counselor, I do love to share what I’ve learned through experience within my own marriage, and through individual AND marriage counseling. As I always recommend to those in our Creating Your Happy group, seeking counsel with a professional can be one of the most beneficial things you can do in your life. Especially when you’re going through a tough time. It can not only help YOU with YOUR feelings and emotions, it can help you gain a new perspective on what may be going on with those around you who you love.


What to do When Your Husband Doesn’t Come Home

What to do When Your Husband Doesn't Come Home

Now when I say “What to do when your husband doesn’t come home,” I’m not talking about if he said he was on his way home from work, and it’s been an hour and still hasn’t arrived. I’m talking about the times that he is temporarily staying somewhere else, expressing that he just needs some time away, and/or you’ve noticed that he’s been avoiding coming/staying at home with you and perhaps your family.

Confront the Issue

In times of struggle, or in states of confusion, confronting the actual issue can be a hard task. Letting the emotions and feelings that we are currently experiencing, can quickly overrule any logical thinking that SHOULD be taking place. But I really, really, encourage you to tell your emotions to shut the heck up, so you can think for a minute. What could be the actual issue at hand? Was there an argument that took place? Was there a traumatic circumstance in his life lately? Has there been something “off” between you two for the last few months that has been ignored, overlooked, or avoided?

Start with confronting the issue, so action steps and discussion can start with the right foundation. Sometimes we can let our emotions get to us, and we just start spit firing what we think at each other, rather than dealing with the real issue at hand. The real issue then, may never come up, or other damage will be done before even getting to the current issue.

Give Him Time. Don’t Force Him.

Could he not want to come home because he just needs some time? Maybe he has no intention of leaving for good. It’s quite possible that he’s the type of guy that never makes time for himself, rarely hangs out with buddies, and always puts his needs on the back burner.

I know good and well the kind of mental state that I’m in if I don’t make time for myself, or have been ignoring needs that I have. So it could be possible that he just needs some time, and if that’s the case, forcing him to give up that time can just make the problem snowball for an even bigger disaster. Giving him much needed time may be something that he’s longing for.

Ego Can be a Nasty Thing

Whew. This one has been a tough one on me. Perhaps it’s because I struggled with this one so much. I don’t know about you, but I always had to “Be right.” I had to “be right” in every argument we ever had in our marriage, and I had to do/say what I could to make him realize that I was right.

It even went so deep that I wasn’t even aware of the fact that I always had to be right. It was as if he was automatically wrong with everything he said/did, and it was a challenge to make him apologize for it. The thought of “Well maybe we’re both in the wrong” never came up. It was always, “He’s wrong. I’m right. And even if he IS right, I won’t admit it, because that would be weak. It would mean losing the argument, and losing my upper hand at any future argument.” (I told you ego could be nasty. I lived it.)

When it comes to your husband being gone, and not wanting to come home, don’t let the ego win. Confront the issue at hand (Step #1), and tell your ego to shut up. If that ego blocks anything that he has to tell you, it will take THAT much longer to get where you really want to be. (Where your preferred outcome rests.)

Pick up the Phone. Don’t Text

Look, I totally get it. I’m a texter, and it’s how my husband and I communicate by phone 95% of the time. But when we’ve been in the middle of an argument, or have been through a rough patch, and have tried to have conversation… texting has caused more damage than good.

The emotion and tone are completely gone from the text. Words can be turned around in ways that you or he, never intended. (i.e. Making the existing problem an even bigger one.)

Pick up the phone and talk. If he refuses to talk, and you have time sensitive questions that need answers, keep your text short, clear as can be, and to the point. But the “blame game,” explanation, and detailed conversations are best heard instead of seen.

Tip: Before you talk on the phone, make notes of what you’d like to talk about. Usually when the conversation gets going, the emotion can be so strong that you forget important details you may want to discuss.

Don’t Assume it’s You

After reading those first few tips, I can hear some of you saying, “Crap. It was my fault. It was all me. I shouldn’t have jumped past the issue at hand. The ego stood in front of my rational thinking. I shouldn’t have texted him.” Please, please don’t take it this way.

Did you know that whatever may be keeping him away from home may be something HE’s going through? Don’t assume that it is your fault. Don’t assume that he’s not coming home because of the wife you’ve been. There may be something going on in him that he doesn’t even know how to communicate or explain to you.

Ready for this, and to think even deeper??? HE may not even be aware of what’s going on with himself, and what’s keeping him away from home. We all know the saying of what “assume” means. So assuming that it’s you can cause unnecessary wear and tear on yourself.

Look Around. What’s Not Right?

After moving past assuming that it’s you, take a look through his eyes. Is there something that’s not right at home? Has work been stressful for him? Is there something that he’s briefly mentioned that could be the cause of him not wanting to come home?

Sit down, and grab a clear picture of what’s not right. Make notes of behaviors and actions that you’ve noticed lately. Is he complacent/displaced? Is he in a crisis? Could these items have been a result of a certain activity that took place? Look at the big picture and make note of anything that sparks a question, so you can be aware of what’s actually happening.

Question Everything

I don’t mean question him with everything. Question everything that you’ve noticed and made note of. Look, if you’ve found your way to this article because you Googled “What to do When Your Husband Doesn’t Come Home,” I can almost bet that you love him, dearly.  Right? Or you may not mind that he’s not coming home right now.

Questioning everything can that’s going on can help you have a better understanding of what may be going on. Questioning everything may even help protect him/you/your marriage early before it gets too carried away. It may help make you aware of what’s really going on, and how to move forward in the right direction.

What to Fix

I don’t think there have been truer words spoken to me that have given me a “Woah” moment like this one…

You can’t make anyone do anything, and you can’t keep them from themselves. But you can fix YOU.

Read that a couple of times to really let that sink in. I’ll admit, the first 20 times I heard my husband and therapist say this, I let it roll right off of my shoulder. It just wouldn’t “click,” for me. Then one day, it did. For YEARS, I’ve wanted to “fix” him. I wanted to prove that I was right. So I spent so much energy and emotion thinking, “If he would just ‘X,’ this would be so much better.” If ‘X’ would just happen for us, life would be so much easier.”

But the moment that I realized working on myself would produce WAY better results (and faster results), I started down that path. Why is it better and faster? Because again, you can’t make anyone do anything, and you can’t keep them from themselves.

But you can fix YOU. You can seek counsel. You can train your brain to focus on the reality of a situation, instead of letting the emotions and feelings overrule.


What to do when my husband doesn't come home

Were you looking for a list of physical action items that would miraculously make your husband come home? Things like: Dress sexy and make his favorite cookies?

Well I’m not saying you shouldn’t do those things. But I did want to touch on an even deeper level that may last a lot longer than cookies and a sexy outfit.

Again, I’m no therapist, but rather someone that’s learning through life as I go. After marrying my high school sweetheart, we’ve had the privilege of “growing up together,” and experiencing life’s ups and downs. With the blessing of someone telling us early on that seeking counsel can make a major impact on our lives, we’ve been able to take tough times by the reins (with guidance) and take one step at a time. We’re still learning, and will continue to learn. But I hope from our experiences, you can find a bit of encouragement in whatever it may be that you’re going through right now.

How to make my husband want to come home, and what to say, and what to do.

What to do when your husband doesn't come home. A perspective to consider when going throughs something like this.

33 thoughts on “What to do When Your Husband Doesn’t Come Home

This post may contain affiliate links. Please see our disclosure policy here.

  1. Nichelle says:

    Thank you. <3

  2. Gwen says:

    I really live this article, it help me 😊 thanks a lot ms.jessica ☺

  3. Christine says:

    You have described me in everyway!! So thank you!! Ive been so cross but after reading that ill try it!!

    1. Jessica says:

      Aw, I’m so glad that you found this helpful. Thank YOU for sharing with me that it did!

  4. A says:

    I can agree with some of the things you say. However the article seems as if husband’s leaving their wives is a normal coping mecognism and we shouldn’t be hurt by this or tell them it is wrong. Mine has left me for a week to just get away and has left me sick and pregnant with two other children and doesn’t seem to care. In no way is that ok. If the roles were to be flipped it would make us look like bad mothers right? Abandoning your husband and kids for days or weeks to get space. I woman would be scutanized for walking out on her family but when a man does it it’s “normal.” Just my two sense.

    1. Jessica says:

      Hi there! Thank you for commenting about your thoughts!
      I can absolutely see what you mean. Although the title of the blog post names husbands as the one not coming home, I sure didn’t intend for it only to mean husbands leaving. Someone dear and close to me, actually had to deal with his mother leaving and not coming home for weeks too, when he was a child. So please know that this is for anyone going through something like this.
      Now I also see what you mean with how society can view a husband leaving for a while as “normal” and that it is “ok” to, because they’re they husband, rather than the wife. I agree that it’s not ok to walk out and leave. However I wanted to write this for those who are dealing with the fact that the husband has already left, and what kinds of rational thinking they could do, rather than let emotions fly high, making the situation worse for each person. (Plus protecting themelseves
      I hope this makes sense, and I so appreciate your take and thoughts on this! I truly hope that anyone that reads this, knows that if a husband does walk out and leave, that it doesn’t make things ok. But rather, implement ways to rationally cope with what has happened and possibly how to move forward with the relationship in the way that they choose. 🙂

    2. Amber says:

      This is true….my husband has been coming home at 4am for 13 nights in a row. He sleeps , wakes up, showers and leaves before 11am. We have 4 kids.
      10,5,2&1 yrs old.
      He picked a fight 13 days ago with me then is blaming me for why he isn’t coming home. I’m emotionally f**ked up.

      1. . says:

        My husband has been doing the same thing. Just not in a row. And then he blames me and says he just has to get a way. He lies and says he is at work late and then I catch him in the lie. He won’t tell me where he is at because he says I will come and make a seen or who he is with. But he claims it isn’t another woman. I am at the end of my rope. Not sure what to do.

        1. Amanda Fields says:

          you know what to do your just not ready to face it.It is time for you to plan to leave. You are allowing him to continue the behavior by putting up with it. I am dealing with a similar situation don’t let him do this to you anymore. we both deserve better and while they have all the fun, were always left to be the responsible ones. I’m sure you would like to have your fun to. He is preventing you from living a full happy life. Your post was at 3 am so like me your up all night waiting. I don’t know you personally but I know worrying about it has become the main focus of your life don’t let him have that power over you. We need to let the love go we feel for men who do not care about our feelings.The definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over with different results. Sometimes you have to ask yourself is it worth it?

          1. R.K. says:

            My situation is worse. My husband left before our first year of marriage then came in and out. abusive, I get blamed and take the blame. all while pregnant with out first baby and my 3 year old. Then he comes back we get a house then he leaves me and this time not for days but months, To make it worse he moved into his own place and it is going to be four years this August 2018, He came back oh and he served me divorce papers 3 yrs ago. He is back staying w me and now our 3 children, so yes he left me pregnant with our second . Done it all on my own and he comes back I noticed in the summer as to not let me have fun alone with my little ones n my family. He comes back when he has work events or ceremonys, you know to make him look good with false promises he would come back home and he never does.
            Ladies you are right to say it is not okay it isnt. my body is in an emotional state and my body feels and looks run down while he looks fine. Leave YOU HUSBAND OR WHATEVER HE SEEMS TO BE IN YOUR LIFE. TRUST ME IT SEEMS to change, but only for a moment and its always”your fault”. Best may the Lord protect you and your children.

      2. Melissa says:

        Get him out of your life, that’s no MAN AT ALL! Men take care of their responsibilities no matter what, just because he’s mad at you and blaming you, usually not at all the reason but the two of you have four children that belong to both of you. Your husband needs to man up and set good examples for your children. Him leaving is showing boys that you leave your family when it gets tough and if you have a daughter your simply showing her to put up with being abandon by her husband. Complety unacceptable, these cowards that call themselves MEN are usually damaged from childhood trauma. Husband obviously saw his father do this to his mother, we all do what we learned in childhood. Most guys that leave is because they are emotionally unable to deal with conflict, without husband dealing with his shitty behavior There is no use going on because let me tell you it’s preview what’s to come for as long as you allow it. Know your worth and stand up for yourself, do we leave? No we have responsibilities to take care of. Honestly, if you find yourself doing everything yourself with kids just know you don’t need another child, if he leaves again let him leave don’t chase someone who runs away from you, do you want a man or another child to have to tell how they should be behaving? Best of luck to you, find your strength it’s there you just have to believe in yourself

      3. Gail says:

        My husband left on Boxing Day and only comes home when I am sleeping and then leaves before I wake. He will never say sorry and alway points fingers and blames me for every single thing. He didn’t even come home to to ring in the new year with me. My 22 year old son sees the behaviour too. I just don’t know what to do and am so scared right now because I currently don’t have a job. Any advice would help. Thanks.

        1. Stacy says:

          HI Gail! I trullllly Overstand you! Same boat.. So confused at what to do.. My sons are 23, 8,10. It is quite embarrasing.. I feel like the friends that I do have would gloat on the inside only if they knew.

    3. Becky says:

      Hi going threw the same situation not know how to deal with it husband got angry im not sure what caused the problem though he just doesn’t reply or answer my calls hasn’t came home 2 days but he goes to work and im home with our children its like he doesn’t care..i txt him to get to the root of the problem but nothing

      1. Kelli says:

        I’m in the same boat. Exact situation. He didn’t even take clothes! Been married 22 years. I’m devastated.

    4. Karen says:

      Your 100% Right!!I actually did just that,And Im still paying for it 20 years later…:((

  5. Sarah says:

    Exactly the same situation, past 3 years my husband stays out day and night! He comes home to sleep usually between 2 and 4am, wakes up around midday showers and leaves! We have a 3 year old daughter, who i have raised alone! If i call him hes busy, or in different cities with mates! We have argued, talked calmly, but day in day out hes the same! It has been the worst 3 years of my life and have now got to the point where i dont sleep, wait up for him every night which some nights he doesnt return at all! Even when hes home i struggle to sleep, my health has been affected and my sanity! And he doesnt care at all! I know he is in contact with other girls but have never been able to prove hes cheated! He has made my life a misery, and i despise him for the fact that he does it knowing how unhappy he makes me!

  6. Shola says:

    Thanks a lot for this article. ..gave me some relief and for seeing a better me through the steps you stated….thank you so much

  7. Ntombi says:

    My husband has a habit of not coming home this weekend it’s the worst I haven’t seen him since Friday I have been crying since 3am. And when he’s gonna he will send me a message asking if I want to be with him . Than I ask him can I be with a ghost cos he’s never home. At first it was just that but now its affecting me.

  8. Shelly278 says:

    My husband has been gone for over 2.5 years. Mostly because we lived with my parents who are horders but he couldn’t stand their attitude and only recently found out though we were suppose to live in a trailer on their property to find out. It was a lie. Hes not very responsible and is financially abusive. I had worked two jobs while pregnant before and supported him, nearly running my bank account dry but when rules are reversed, I get the ‘I cant afford it’. He doesnt send money as I’m currently a sahm. I’m wanting a divorce since he refused to transfer his job close to home but instead is over 1300 miles away and currently states he ‘isnt in love with me’and ‘doesnt know how he feels’ now while im here, pregnant with our 3rd child. He also moved away to ‘aid’ my mentally deranged mil which was basically have mommy take care of him up till recent. I’m so sick of it. I feel trapped with no family that cares enough or nowhere to go. Is this considered abandonment?

  9. Melissa R. says:

    I myself am having a situation very close to the rest of you ladies… I’ve been married 26yrs ,3 kids. A few years ago my husband (during a time I was ill) told me he didn’t love me (after I asked him why he is never home). That basically crushed my soul! I decided I was going to try to work on out marrriage and get him on board , but I also started to get my “ducks in a row”. I was taken out of work because of my health conditions so I was screwed if he left me! We went back and forth for another year and then I decided I had enough and I left while the ball was in my court. It’s been 2 years and I still love him but I don’t love the narssisitic behavior. He had his own place and SAYS he wants me back but I don’t trust him. There has been evidence of infidelity that he always denies. So I basically made it clear to him that I love him and want nothing more to be with him and work things out but his actions don’t match his words so I CAN NOT be married to him. Instead of trying to change my mind he took off without warning or even telling the kids or any of his friends that he was leaving. Today is day 5 and no word, I figured if he was dead or in jail I would have known by now. No one prepares you for this kind of betrayal and hurt before you sign that contract for the rest of your life! I wish there was an answer for all of us. But I believe truth is… these men are showing us who they are already.. it’s up to us to see it. We make excuses and accept behavior we wouldn’t accept from ANYONE . The question isn’t why is he doing this…it’s WHY AM I STILL HERE! I’m not sure what my next step is but I started filling out my divorce papers as of today. I hope I have the strength to file them tomorrow! I don’t think anyone is worth living with this pain and rejection when they hold your heart. I wish all of you the best of luck. When you feel lost remember to turn to the only man who won’t leave you….God! ❤️

    1. Ashley eldridge says:

      Amen to that you said a mouth full I been married 7 years and I am going threw the same thing my man has been gone for three days his family lieu g saying that he ain’t even there I believe he has whole nother women I am ready to sign my divorce papers

    2. Danielle Church says:

      OMG!After being up 2 days straight and a lot of research I found out that it seems my husband is having a mid life crises.Y’all should check this site out HERE !!!!! I sware it described my husband 99%.I have enjoyed reading all your stories.I’m glad we get to talk to each other about all our spouse problems because some of us don’t have anything or anyone to talk to because of men being controlling.ive been married 10 years and 12 years total with my husband and he has just up and left and been gone 5 days today.He has his own business which failed after 3 years and i think he’s beat himself up Si much over it he’s now having a midlife crisis.I just don’t know what else could be happening with him.he says he’s not with a woman and Hes staying st his brothers which is a home I own as an investment property and his brother pays me rent.I can’t help but to cry 20 hrs. Out of the day as I’m super heartbroken right now but we women have to not let them consume our entire lives and we’ll being.Try and stay busy or take on a new hobby to occupy your mind is the best thing to do but ALWAYS PRAY FOR EACH OTHER NO MATTER WHAT 🙂 this is my first and only marriage and the first time he’s ever been away this long.He will not text or talk to me on phone but his mom and dad who are just like my own and are super close to me tells me he has been shopping and changed his haircut.Very very strange he’s acting right now and he also is mad at his dad for telling him to come home to me and has now stopped talking to him.i gotta stay positive and you ladies do the same!I don’t have kids besides goats and chickens and I can’t cuddle them in my bed dang it so I’m jealous y’all get kids to hang with regardless!LOL

  10. waltercyberwizard.com says:

    In marriage or relationship, I don’t think there should be any kind of secret or privacy. I don’t think is nice to be keeping your phone to yourself and it been locked with a password that is not known by your wife or husband. After 5 years of marriage I discovered that the man I love so much started acting funny and suddenly changed his password that he has been using over the years now and always keeping his phone to himself. He is always on calls and getting his phone off him is like trying to take a bone from a hungry dog. he started asking funny questions like “Why do you need to see my phone, don’t you trust me” ? I told my best friend about it and she told me about a particular hacker . i contacted him through his username
    . I was so amazed with his work & within 5 hours my job was ready for monitoring and I was really surprised because I never thought is possible to monitor someone’s phone without having access to the device.

  11. Theresa says:

    So my situation is similar; my husband and I are high school sweethearts, married 9 years together 21. Within the last 2 years we have had issues of miss trust. He says he will always love me, and we see each other almost daily still. Tells me he misses me, loves me, and talks about we and us. But says he cannot stay at our house because he can’t trust me, I put my hands on him after he hurt me bad. It was a misjudgment to do so, I am not a physical person. He is my “person” but ignores me if I call or text even ignores if it’s for our kids who are young and don’t understand this. He used to be the stay at home parent, so this is really hard on my kids. I thought he was cheating plain and simple, he was planning a small trip for us and since I had miss trust he didn’t even take me he went with friends. That’s why I put my hands on him. You know, I love this man with everything I have, I told him where I stand and he still isn’t home. Almost 6 weeks now. I dunno how long I’m supposed to be strong for anymore. How can you tell me you love and miss me but not come home. I’m a mess.

    1. Jillian says:

      Teresa—same with me….did he come home since September? How did he eventually WANT to come home? Do we just, ignore them and allow them to feel alone —even during Christmas and New Years?

  12. Saudade says:

    Ladies, like yourself, I find myself on this site because my husband of 8 years has left our home. I acknowledge my part in this whole situation. I harbored resentment and anger towards him and nagged him constantly, because I was miserable and still hurting from the countless betrayals I have had to endure (disrespect, abandonment, physical abuse during pregnancy, and cheating).

    I should count his decision to leave as a blessing, but we just reconciled (5 months ago) after 2 1/2 years apart. I survived those two years on my own and managed to heal. He came back asking for forgiveness and another chance (one too many in my opinion) and I allowed him to come home. Now, after 5 short months, he has abandoned myself and our children, again.

    I don’t know what to do next. We have grown and change since we last separated. We are both two completely different people: I am more confident and independent; he has become more giving and understanding. Yet, there remains a huge divide between us. We planned to attend counselling to hopefully solve our issues, but he decided to just up and leave before we each had the chance to give it another valiant go!!

    I am all burned out. Overweight. Unable to sleep. Missing him. Loathing him. Despite all of this ladies, I will share with you one secret that I have learned: If you leave, you will be better. You may have less resources, but you will have peace and independence. However, with independence comes more responsibility. You will have to do it all on your own, but for most of us, we are already doing this.

    I am at the place where I believe the best thing to do is for me to let go and move on. Unfortunately, because I let him back in, I am unable to leave because I am thinking about the “what ifs”. For me, only time will tell what is best to do.

    1. W says:

      How can I leave i have no one. I am about to break. I am having health problems and he still leaves. I know he doesn’t love me. I am being abused. I have nothing.

  13. Sick0fItall says:

    I totally get what others are going through. My fiancee “disappears” on me all the time. In the past two years, he has done this almost weekly. When he does it, he doesn’t tell me he isn’t coming home. He just doesn’t. And he turns off his phone and doesn’t respond to any form of communication from me. This isn’t after an argument. It’s often after he text me and tells me he will call me right after work and that he loves me. He come back the next day. He may be gone a few days.

    Ladies, it is wrong. I live in constant anxiety. This morning he kissed me goodbye as I went to work, called me during the day, and then when I got home from work he was not home and I can’t get in touch with him.

    The moral of the story is don’t be me. This is killing me. Be strong and let go of any man who treats you this way.

    1. Q says:

      Same boat! Im so hurt. Thia type of behavior I’ve never had to deal with until my boyfriend of almost 2 years started to do this. What terrible nights. A lot of the time i up thinking my head off wondering why or what did i miss. I don’t know if other women or if he’s dealing with issues and not coping right. … but the funny but upsetting is after hes been gone and he comes around or I initiate our conversation needs to take place. He acts like he’s done nothing wrong. When i ask what’s up he doesn’t want to talk and don’t want me to ask questions smh

    2. Veronica says:

      I totally am in the same boat. He leaves ehen we are all good n just disappears!! Just to come back n try create a lie… I always take it coz i think i love him too much. But this love is hurting…. I can’t take it anymore

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