What to do when your husband doesn’t come home: Ways to wrap your mind around what’s going on, and the action steps that can help during a tough situation!
What to do When Your Husband Doesn’t Come Home
After writing How to Make Your Husband Want to Come Home, I’ve found so many readers stumbling upon it, looking for ways to encourage their husbands to come back home when they’ve left… after an argument.
Now, since that post is really geared towards ways to show your husband “love,” to make them excited to come back home at the end of the day, I’ve wanted to create this post for those looking for help that may be going through a tough situation with their husband at this very moment.
You May Also Love This Marriage Talk:
- 29 Tips on How to Be a Good Wife
- How to Respect Your Husband
DISCLAIMER: Although I’m no expert, and not a therapist or marriage counselor, I do love to share what I’ve learned through experience within my own marriage, and through individual AND marriage counseling. As I always recommend to those in our Fab Society group, seeking counsel with a professional can be one of the most beneficial things you can do in your life. Especially when you’re going through a tough time. It can not only help YOU with YOUR feelings and emotions, it can help you gain a new perspective on what may be going on with those around you who you love.
Jump to:
What to do When Your Husband Doesn’t Come Home
Now when I say “What to do when your husband doesn’t come home,” I’m not talking about if he said he was on his way home from work, and it’s been an hour and still hasn’t arrived.
I’m talking about the times that he is temporarily staying somewhere else, expressing that he just needs some time away, and/or you’ve noticed that he’s been avoiding coming/staying at home with you and perhaps your family.
Also read: If Your Husband Cheats and How to Make it Through
Confront the Issue
In times of struggle, or in states of confusion, confronting the actual issue can be a hard task. Letting the emotions and feelings that we are currently experiencing, can quickly overrule any logical thinking that SHOULD be taking place. But I really, really, encourage you to tell your emotions to shut the heck up, so you can think for a minute.
- What could be the actual issue at hand?
- Was there an argument that took place?
- Was there a traumatic circumstance in his life lately?
- Have you noticed he hasn’t been affectionate as much?
Start with confronting the issue, so action steps and discussion can start with the right foundation.
Sometimes we can let our emotions get to us, and we just start spit firing what we think at each other, rather than dealing with the real issue at hand. The real issue then may never come up, or other damage will be done before even getting to the current issue.
Give Him Time. Don’t Force Him.
Could he not want to come home because he just needs some time? Maybe he has no intention of leaving for good. Is it possible that he’s the type of guy that never makes time for himself, rarely hangs out with buddies, and always puts his needs on the back burner?
I know good and well the kind of mental state that I’m in if I don’t make time for myself, or have been ignoring needs that I have.
So it could be possible that he just needs some time, and if that’s the case, forcing him to give up that time can just make the problem snowball for an even bigger disaster. Giving him much needed time may be something that he’s longing for.
Ego Can be a Nasty Thing
Whew. This one has been a tough one on me. Perhaps it’s because I struggled with this one so much. I don’t know about you, but I always had to “Be right.” I had to “be right” in every argument we ever had in our marriage, and I had to do/say what I could to make him realize that I was right.
It even went so deep that I wasn’t even aware of the fact that I always had to be right. It was as if he was automatically wrong with everything he said/did, and it was a challenge to make him apologize for it.
The thought of “Well maybe we’re both in the wrong” never came up. It was always, “He’s wrong. I’m right. And even if he IS right, I won’t admit it, because that would be weak. It would mean losing the argument, and losing my upper hand at any future argument.” (I told you ego could be nasty. I lived it.)
When it comes to your husband being gone, and not wanting to come home, don’t let the ego win. Confront the issue at hand (Step #1), and tell your ego to shut up.
If that ego blocks anything that he has to tell you, it will take THAT much longer to get where you really want to be. (Where your preferred outcome rests.)
Pick up the Phone. Don’t Text
Look, I totally get it. I’m a texter, and it’s how my husband and I communicate by phone 95% of the time. But when we’ve been in the middle of an argument, or have been through a rough patch, and have tried to have conversation… texting has caused more damage than good.
The emotion and tone are completely gone from the text. Words can be turned around in ways that you or he, never intended. (i.e. Making the existing problem an even bigger one.)
Pick up the phone and talk. If he refuses to talk, and you have time-sensitive questions that need answers, keep your text short, clear as can be, and to the point. But the “blame game,” explanation and detailed conversations are best heard instead of seen.
Tip: Before you talk on the phone, make notes of what you’d like to talk about. Usually, when the conversation gets going, the emotion can be so strong that you forget important details you may want to discuss.
Don’t Assume it’s You That Did Something or it’s You That Needs to be the Only Thing to Change
After reading those first few tips, I can hear some of you saying, “Crap. It was my fault. It was all me. I shouldn’t have jumped past the issue at hand. The ego stood in front of my rational thinking. I shouldn’t have texted him.” Please, please don’t take it this way.
Did you know that whatever may be keeping him away from home may be something HE’s going through?
Don’t assume that it is your fault. Don’t assume that you are the only one who should “fix it”.
There may be something going on in him that he doesn’t even know how to communicate or explain to you.
Ready for this, and to think even deeper??? HE may not even be aware of what’s going on with himself, and what’s keeping him away from home. We all know the saying of what “assume” means. So assuming that it’s you can cause unnecessary wear and tear on yourself.
So what can you do if you’re not sure what’s going on?
After moving past assuming that it’s you being the problem, take a look through his eyes.
- Is there something that’s not right at home?
- Has work been stressful for him?
- Is there something that he’s briefly mentioned that could be the cause of him not wanting to come home?
Sit down, and grab a clear picture of what’s not right. Make notes of behaviors and actions that you’ve noticed lately.
- Is he complacent/displaced?
- Is he in a crisis?
- Could these items have been a result of a certain activity that took place?
Look at the big picture and make note of anything that sparks a question, so you can be aware of what’s actually happening.
Question Everything
I don’t mean question him with everything. Question everything that you’ve noticed and made note of.
Look, if you’ve found your way to this article because you Googled “What to do When Your Husband Doesn’t Come Home,” I can almost bet that you love him, dearly. Right? Because if you didn’t… you probably wouldn’t mind that he’s not coming home right now.
Questioning everything can that’s going on can help you have a better understanding of what may be going on.
Questioning everything may even help protect him/you/your marriage early before it gets too carried away. It may help make you aware of what’s really going on, and how to move forward in the right direction.
Should YOU Fix This?
I don’t think there have been truer words spoken to me that have given me a “Woah” moment like this one…
You can’t make anyone do anything, and you can’t keep them from themselves. But you can fix YOU.
Read that a couple of times to really let that sink in. I’ll admit, the first 20 times I heard my husband and therapist say this, I let it roll right off of my shoulder. It just wouldn’t “click,” for me. Then one day, it did. For YEARS, I’ve wanted to “fix” him. I wanted to prove that I was right. So I spent so much energy and emotion thinking, “If he would just ‘X,’ this would be so much better.” If ‘X’ would just happen for us, life would be so much easier.”
But the moment that I realized working on myself would produce WAY better results (and faster results), I started down that path. Why is it better and faster? Because again, you can’t make anyone do anything, and you can’t keep them from themselves.
But you can fix YOU. You can seek counsel. You can train your brain to focus on the reality of a situation, instead of letting the emotions and feelings overrule.
Wrap-Up
Were you looking for a list of physical action items that would miraculously make your husband come home? Things like: Dress sexy, make his favorite cookies or plan a romantic weekend away with him?
Well I’m not saying you shouldn’t do those things. But I did want to touch on an even deeper level that may last a lot longer than cookies and a sexy outfit.
Again, I’m no therapist, but rather someone that’s learning through life as I go. After marrying my high school sweetheart, we’ve had the privilege of “growing up together,” and experiencing life’s ups and downs. With the blessing of someone telling us early on that seeking counsel can make a major impact on our lives, we’ve been able to take tough times by the reins (with guidance) and take one step at a time. We’re still learning, and will continue to learn. But I hope from our experiences, you can find a bit of encouragement in whatever it may be that you’re going through right now.
cheryl decoteau says
he lost his daughter in dec, she froze to death. i’ve been with this man for almost 30 years. he’s ten years older than me. i love him so,but he’s been gone now for 3 months, and he still helps me with bills..i just hate being alone.. IDK what to do?
Cindy says
Thank you! ❤️
Jessica says
You’re so welcome Cindy! 🙂
Private says
Hi,
Thank you so much for this article. Here I thought he might be cheating on me even though I have asked him and tells me no everytime. December 26th was the last straw for him. He left the house and have not heard from him. But reading your article gave me some insight of what to do next.
Jessica says
Hi there. I’m so glad you found this article helpful and I sure hope things get better for you soon!
Willow says
I am far from egotistical, but my husband and I just had a baby. He just got promoted to manager and now he has been staying out all night with his coworkers getting drunk. We didn’t fight or anything but he doesn’t even text or call or even wear his wedding ring anymore. What should I do?
Jessica says
Hi Willow,
I’m sorry to hear that. Have you communicated this with him, to let him know how you feel? I’d always suggest that as a first step. (Not always easy, and not always received well… but definitely somethign to try first.)
Angie says
Im going through same phase. My husband came back from work on Friday but he went out and he came back on Saturday at 8pm and then he left again and he even didn’t come back. He is selfish mode. We are married for 15 years. He complained was im controlling his activities and he is 53 years old and he want to follow his dream to be a part of the music band. I said i will supported him without questions. He took my words.
Kim says
Wow I really needed to read thus. My husband of almost 1 year (been together 6) walked out Thurs afternoon and has not been back. I got his sister involved and let me emotions get the best of me. I left awful voicemails and text messages stating if he didn’t come home I was filing for divorce…even though that is not something I want. The day before he left he confided in me that he needed time away as he felt his mental health slipping away but I thought he was just saying that. He was supposed to come over and talk tonight but he rescheduled for later this week. He refuses to talk to me…all communication is being done through a mutual neutral friend of ours. I’m going to just sit back and give him his space cuz I know he has always done that for me…let me go out with friends etc. He hardly had any time to himself…I see that now. I just hope I haven’t ruined my marriage cuz I involved his sister who made is all 1000x worse. I have since cut her off from any part of this but I know he’s still hurt by me involving her. Our 4 kids are suffering too which makes this worse cuz he will not talk to me.
Essy says
This is my forth year of marriage.My husband will go to work on Friday and come back on Tuesday dressed in same dirty clothes, he tells me he has been in bars drinking all those days like am a fool to believe that. I have cried, told his parents, asked for advice from friends, talked to him in a good way but he keeps on doing this. So this is what I have decided to do.
1. Am not leaving him bcoz we got 2 kids and am a house wife currently and he provides everything. So am here to stay
2. I never ask him shit. If asking and talking helps,mine would be a priest right now. So when he comes I don’t say anything and if her tries to tell me,I say am not interested.its all fine
3. Am pursuing my own goals as an individual, what he wants to do with his life is entirely upon him.
4. I don’t gossip or seek advice from people about him, am tired furthermore he is a dad to my kids I don’t want to tarnish his name
5. I enjoy little things that happen when he aint around, e.g I can watch it a movie without being interrupted, I can sleep all over our bed, I won’t iron his clothes or polish his shoes, I won’t wakeup early to cook him breakfast etc
6. I pray to God to do whatever He wants with him, coz am tired praying for him to change.
7. I get mad sometimes and I say silently ,”F him” he doesn’t deserve even a drop of my tears, he is ruining us and himself consciously so let him deal with his sh*t.
Amen sisters.
Britney Wietecha says
ok, so my story is maybe a little bit dificult. anyways iv been married only 3 months. only been together for abut 7 months. but we have known eachother for about 12 years. we dated about 7 years ago but things didnt go very well. but anyways my husband has been gone for 2 weeks now. he will not talk to me he hardly responds to my text if he even gets them because he will block my number. but the reason he says he left is because i have been really mean to him latley and yelling at him for everything. and ill admit iv not been very innocent about any of it… but iv also been going through alot at the same time. i had hurt my knee. well i hurt it pretty good. iI had to have surgery. so i was getting very frustrated that i was helpless i couldnt do anything for myself and i couldnt take care of my husband or even my 2 toddlers. he was doing a great job helping me out with everything around the house to taking care of my kids… but i was so vulnerable that i was lashing out on him constnanly for no reason. so he left wile i was asleep one day. and he hasnt been back since. and once in a wile he will send me a text saying that he misses me. but then nothing else after that ill tell him to come home. he will ignore me. i dont know what to do. and when he does randomly text me that he misses me or whatever i get super excited thinking ok maybe he will finally come home. so im quick to respond to his message. but then i wont hear anything else from him so then i get upset and frustrated and angry. and i just dont understand why he would even bother to say anything to me if hes just going to ignore me after the fact. i dont know if hes just playing games just to keep me holding on for when he decides he wants to make time for me or what is it? i dont know and im so lost and confused.
Laura Doyle says
This is a great list Jessica! I really like how you say to focus on the reality of a situation, instead of letting the emotions and feelings overrule. It’s so true.
Jessica says
Oh good, I’m so glad that you liked it Laura. Thank you so much!!
Sam says
My husband has just recently started staying out all night. He doesn’t call or text and ignores me when I call or text. He shuts off his phone after I an hour of me calling. He comes home and acts like no big deal. I know he cheated on me even though he denies it. I have proof on my dash cam. He doesn’t realize how much I worry. I worry about him being hurt and of course who he’s with. He hurts me on purpose and then expects me not to be upset or hurt. He also expects me to be nice and give him what ever he wants and gives me broken promises. Why are they so selfish?
Dem says
@sam wow I’m going threw the exact same thing right now !!!… I thought it was just me 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼 All I can say Is we need to pray pray pray because gods the only one that can change are situations, yes this advice was sweet and nice of her to share but we all need god in the middle of are marriages !… a couple that prays together stays together… and I strongly believe that ask god to intervene in your marriage … I will be praying for all these marriages
Audr says
I truly value this article. Everything mentioned rings true. I’ve taken the silent approach about the rare occasions my husband is at home. He’s never stayed overnight away from home. However he’s rarely there. I’ve decided arguing and nagging him to spend more time with me and setting time tables is not working. I’ve decided to allow him his space and be quiet. Yes shut up! I’m focused on myself and my son. I’m hopeful that this will allow our marriage to mend and maybe my husband will forge better communication between us. Wish me luck this has been a stressful journey for me
Connie says
It has been 24 hours since my partner has left; I dont even know if she is coming home. She took no clothing; she did tell a friend that her brains are scattered and needed space. I have no clue to stop my mind from over thinking everything; anger…resentment; lonely; broken. My mind is trying to tell me she is out fooling around..how can I cope with this and still be in the same home???
Priscilla says
Thank you so much for this, Jessica. I am currently dealing with this right now. My husband left two days ago and hasn’t been home for two nights. He let me know he would be gone for three and would be back Sunday. This is the first time ever in our marriage/relationship that he has left. He’s always come home when we have arguments. He’s at his dad’s, and I have complete trust in him. I know that I texted some really mean stuff that I shouldn’t have and involved the kids in some of it and he hates when I do. But, I’ve apologized, begged him to come home and he is standing by what he said. He actually said that I told him to leave for these days and that’s exactly what he plans to do. It’s a good lesson to not say things we truly do not mean when we are hurt/mad. I think he’s trying to get his point across because it keeps happening and nothing is changing. He’s recommended we go to counseling and I’ve always shut it down. I have always felt that they would blame me for everything when I know that is not the case. I am open to going now and will be letting him know. My eyes burn from crying so much and so many times I have wanted to lash out and text and tell him that he sucks for not being here. However, I need to keep reminding myself that I need to think logically and not go off on him. I have my fault in this, too, and ultimately I’m done arguing. I just want him home so I am not texting him and respecting his space. I know he will come around soon and I want to be able to keep calm and speak logically. I’m glad I read your post, it’s a great reminder to work on me and change my attitude, responses and to tell my emotions to shut the hell up. Thanks again!
Jessica says
Oh Priscilla, I’m so sorry you’re going through such a tough time. I’m so glad that you found this helpful and I truly do hope you find some peace through this time. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m definitely not a marriage therapist, but I do love sharing what has worked in our marriage and what hasn’t, in hopes that it can help others. I truly do hope things look up for you soon, and thank you so much for sharing your story with us. XO
Brenda king says
Mines alittle different I found condoms in his car and he sated he hate to come home. So he been staying away from home, 2 Saturdays and now through the week. Always saying I’m spending too much time with my daughter and not him, but most of the time he’s working. He use to work 12 hours and now he don’t but he’s never home. What do I need to do I asked him to talk he want do that or make time to talk. Inhave spoken with a kady that he been talking to on the phone and seeing. He has this lady in car riding around town I just happen to leave the grocery store and looked over and saw them. Inlost them in traffic he act like he so fool of anger
Micheal Thomas says
My Husband left me and I felt like maybe he just needed some time to feel free to go and come as he please. After 2 months I told him to come home he gave me all these reasons why he did not think it was time. After telling I have worked on myself he had not worked on himself. Then he text me the next day and said there’s another reason why he can’t come home because he might have a baby on the way. I am blown away how long has he really been cheating.He wants to come home but doesn’t think that O can really FORGIVE him
Jummy says
I really appreciate this post,, but my own case is quite different,my husband is a stubborn type and he has ego alot ,he found it Soo hard to always say sorry to any of his behaviors and I will always still be the one to apologize caus I love him soomuch only when he is calm he always come back to his senses,, I always found dfft ladies number on his phone nd chatting them, so all those things give me inspiration to start searching his phone wh he hate me doing that but I can’t cope without doing that caus am tired nd that got me more jealous but he always claimed he is not dating them,, so to cut the long story short now we have an issue about his coming back home late and I use annoyance to mention a lady particularly name I saw on his whatsap chat and he just flew up and blocked me on whatsap and didn’t come home for 4days now so I too didn’t call him thinking he will realise his mistakes and I also reported him to his mum when I got tired and she said she has talk to him,, but I knew my husband is a stubborn type with much ego,, till now he didn’t call to hear from me neither he come home,,, so am tired please I need an idea of what to do ,,should I call him caus the more I snub him too the more I felt hurt and I don’t even know if he felt the same way ,please help me.
Lahela Dillard says
Thank you for the insight on a few things I didn’t necessarily consider. Honestly, I’ve done all that, that is view things from his perspective taking into consideration how stressed he is with work. My only concern and reality of the situation…is we all in any degree of relationship either dating or married – must find a balance in life to make that relationship work. Balance is key I workout twice a day in the morning starting from 4am work a 8-5 and workout out again as soon as I get home… regardless of my stress I make it a point to always make time for my family and be home for my husband willing, wanting and able to fill any of his needs – either it be in the kitchen with a home cooked meal, clean home, clothes done and always welcome an opportunity to connect physically in the bedroom. My frustration is don’t ask me to make a home cooked meal, wait up and you then you not come home. Or say you are on your way home at a reasonable time…then when attempting to text or call to see where you are at (hours passed) and I can’t get a hold of you…. then casually walk in at 4am and or not until will into the following afternoon…let’s be real ladies if you’re man is not home during sleeping hours, claims its work but you can’t get even a text back he is okay – then there is only two things that is happening during the late hours/ early morning…sleeping or sleeping around. No work is that serious especially in todays age where phones is a necessity in getting the job done. 5 seconds it takes to acknowledge your spouse. So when my husband doesn’t come home especially when he stated he was then can’t answer a text or a call at midnight, 1am etc…. be true to yourself and accept the truth of the reality he isn’t at work.
Capricorn says
Your post was extremely helpful. I’m being yo understand. My partner also recently started disappearing overnight and whenever I called It was no answer, just txt straight away…. We’ve been together for 3/4 years but our relationship is in difficult position because he’s going through divorce. He separated and moved in with me but now behaving towards me like he was towards his wife. Whenever I’m trying to talk, ask where he was, confront him or explain that he cannot do that he’s arguing and saying he doesn’t have to explain himself to me. I’ve tried being tough With him and didn’t talk to him, I’ve tried being ignorant, same outcome… my fault! I love him but cannot carry on like this. I know he’s struggling but I can’t keep up much longer. Sometimes I think he’s trying to sabotage himself and doing this on purpose, not because he want to be alone, because want to be a victim and punish himself